我心知肚明 meaning in English

i never know

After much reflection , i have realized that the main reason why i was chosen to be master s attendant was that i was very anxious to be rid of my many negative qualities . i became a nun with this intent , deliberately waiting a few months before joining the order to make sure it was not an impulsive decision . i knew very well that becoming a nun was the only way to get rid of those parts of myself that i hated most , so i joined with the determination to be born anew
会成为侍者，我反覆考量过，最大的起因，我想是当时对自己有太多负面的品质急于摆脱，出家也是为了这个心愿，出家前故意等了几个月以确认自己不是冲昏了头才来的，我心知肚明，只有出家可将自己最痛恨自己的部分减除掉，我是抱着要来剥筋抽骨的精神去出家的。